Jeremy Thomas Heiss

two horrible years without you son. My heart is more broken now than ever. i hate not knowing that you are truly ok. that you are finally happy. are you really? i hate seeing your friends and people you went to school with doing all the normal things you should be doing. knowing that i will never see you enjoying those things. experiencing those things. that i wont ever get to share any milestones with you. your borther is back in our lives but  im still so wary of trusting him. i cant afford to get hurt again and i dont know if he's for real or if its just that he is in a bind again. no one will ever take your place though ever. been reading a lot about near death experiences and seeing things about that on tv and it seems that everyone whos had one describes dying as the most beautiful feeling. that they hated having to come back. that there was a vibrance of colors. and i know you loved colors so much. a feeling of peace and well being. i certainly hope you have that. and having loved ones waiting for you. so based on that, i cant wait to join hyou because that is  when i will  be at peace, when i will be happy again, when i will no longer have to pretend to be what im not.  dad cut his hair in your honor today. we had a balloon release  for you yesterday. and your birthday and memorial race is coming up. i will never let anyone forget you son. you were so loved. i hear that every day. or i hear stories of things that you did or thins that you said. everyone has one. love you so much and i will never stop sishing you were here with me still. love mamma

My new "Normal"

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize
someone important is missing from all the important events in your
family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up
and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why
didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind,
holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have
noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an
everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become
a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my Jeremy.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the
grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to
this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your
child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't
compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own
child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know
my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being
referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone
stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in 
all over the USA,  yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and
crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have
done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven,
but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why our children were
taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense
to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the
house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a
child, because you will never see this person again and it is not
worth explaining that my Jeremy is in heaven. And yet when you say you
have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you
have betrayed your child.

Normal is avoiding places Jeremy went to and loved, avoiding activites he participated in, because it breaks your heart when you see others enjoying them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours
and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a
million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become
"normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that
you are "normal".


~Written by someone that has lost the love of her life.

happy birthday Jeremy  today, 20 yrs ago, was the happiest day of my life. i had wanted you frever and you finally decided to come to me. early and fast as you always lived your life. you were such a squirmy tiny little thing andscreaming your head off hungry as hell. i remember every single detail. your image was imprinted in my mind from the second i saw you.  we almost didnt make it to the hospital you were in such a hurry to get here. you were almost born on the highway by patagonia lake. i was so afraid to let you leave my sight i didnt let any of the nurses take you without me going with them.  after you were born i ate a huge bag of M&M's cause i craved them so much and couldnt have any when i was pregnant. that was awesome but it made me puke and they wanted  us to stay in the hospital longer but i just wanted to get you home.  Nanita was in awe of you when we got home. first thing she did is take all your clothes off to make  sure you were perfect and you were. then she spanked your butt to make sure you cried ok. and you didnt disappoint her. she loved you so much i know you two are together in heaven so i know you are taking care of each other. your life growing up goes through my mind constatly, all of it jsut like it was yesterday. almost like a movie that keeps playing over and over. i know you are always with me. especially last night. its slefish of me to want you back here in this miserable world but i cant help it. i jsut want to be with you one more time. i found another dime this morning.  im not going crazy im not going crazy. i know i was somewhat before but all this is so real and it hurts too  damn bad for it not to be real. i hope you are as happy as anyone could ever be because you certainly worked for that happiness. youve made so many impressions in all of our lives. it was never about, although you were spoiled, it was always about someone else. about leaving your mark in everyones life. i know none of us will never forget you. til we meet again my SLB

your race t shirt.  hope you loved it

your race was a success. it was brutal it was so hard, it hurt so bad not having you there flying past everyone. wait... you were flying past us, above us. i felt the push. i couldnt stop. Ive never done anything sohard in my life. except for losing you. but that made the pain more bearable because there isno way that my pain could be as much as the pain you suffered throughout your life. Im happy you are free of the pain. i hope you are happy and wish i could be but there is nohappiness in my life anymore and therenever will be. there are small moments of joy especially when i remember  you or something you did. and ilaugh. we all laugh. you were such a riot.  the whole time i was running ikept thinking of stuff you'd be saying like "what the? you' re kidding right? you guys trying to run MY course? hah! thats as fast as you can go? " or maybe you were encouraging us pushing us to the limit. hoping that we wouldnt give up. cause you always told us never to give up. why oh why did you give up? was it that bad for you here? i just cant imagine nor can i find a reasonable explaination because i dont know and never will. i still hear your voice at all hours of the day. not a second goes by without you tugging at my heart strings.  and now another birthday is coming and i dont know what to do. imlost without you. i know you are always with me and i think i see you sometimes or i see signs of you but its not enough. i am so tired son. so so tired. exhausted.  the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that you dont have to worry about anything anymore .

betty had her baby. she is tiny and early like you were. her name is jaylyn after you. your legacy lives on. i will so love telling her all about you. she will know everything about you and love you asw much as the other kids do.

as the one year anniversary of your death nears, i fear more and more  that my life without you will never be pain free that i will never be happy again. and i dont want to be happy, not if youre not here to share the happy times, the sad times, the funny times, the trying times. i am begining to relive the horrible feelings i felt the day you died. the saddness is starting to invade my soul again. if i had found a temporary respite, it is gone again. everyone goes on living but i feel like i am stuck in the moment of your death.it makes me angry that they go on as if nothing happened. how can they just go on  without you. i certainly cant. but i have to. but i dont want to. but i know i must. for i willnever have the courage to die. i imagine how it is for you now. are you in eden or is death  simply being gone forever and there is no afterlife. i try tomake myself beleive that  there  is  a paradise and that you are there. then there ar all the strange things that happen. and i think either im crazy or just hypersensitive and those things have been happening all along, i jsut didnt notice them.  i love valentines day. it is my favorite holiday. but no more. how can i love  it if my heart is destroyed. how can i be happy if you arent here to steal my chocolate in the middle of the night. how can i adore the taste of it if i know that you cant. then again, maybe where you are at has even better chcolate and i should be mad that im not getting any of it. how can i admire the flowers. the colors are no longer vibrant. not without your vibrantness in my life. i am so afraid.

Grief can destroy you--- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow youself to  consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing floors or waswhing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and every precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by the gratitude for what preceeded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the ift of life" ..... Odd Thomas....

its taken me a while to put my thoughts into words.  christmas came and went. it wasnt as bad as i thought because neither of us gave christmas much importance and all of a sudden i was so busy. i  tried to stay busy. then came new years.you love newyears. that was the hardest part so far. no one streaked naked downtown at midnight. no one will ever  be like you. i couldnt make myslef go down there because i just couldnt stand the fact that you wouldnt be there partying up your faviorite holiday. it was so hard havin the boys here and you not being here with them but you come up at every conversation and every game they play. i heard about the little green man and how the little green man always got somebody drunk , usually not you though.  i hate crying in front of people but at midnight i was so choked up i couldnt swallow i coulndt breathe i tried to run to the bathroom but bryan knew and he stopped me and i just lost it.  then all these nasty hoes kept coming up to me and trying to say shit to me and i know they  stabbed you in the back and are now trying to be nice tome and i wanted to punch them actually i just wanted to punch someone or something but i was strong.  actually i could have gotten to go to jail that was funny and im sure you had something to do with it cause you always hated cops but they are such pussies that they backed off from me  when i called them racist bastards.  i dont even know where that came from  acutally i know you had something to do with it.  i still feel like screaming and yelling and punching something but ive had people around me constantly and hopefully this week ill get to be alone for a few days and i can get it all out.  i am so hopelessly sad. i keep remembering  so many things and everything reminds me of you. i see little boys everywhere and i remember you at that particular age. like  saw a boy about 3 holding his mammas hand and i remember  when you were about  that age.my braid was really long down to my knees and when we were out in public like a store or what have you, you used to grab my braid and  hold on to it. that way you wouldnt  get lost and i knew exactly where you were and if you wanted me to stop and look at something you would just tug at it til i stopped.  i  went to a wrestling tournament and i see all the things you did and how focused you were when i see the kids that arent truly as dedicated  as you were. scotty is trying to be like you using some of your moves of course not as efficiently as you but hes trying and its working. and he goes off by  himslef and gets in tune with his thoughts and his i pod like you used to . and it breaks my heart because your not here. and when i see the tiny skinny kids it reminds me of you. i find myself watching a wrestling match and im actually seeing you try so hard, then another weight class comes up and i see  you at that age and that weight.  im mentally exhausted by the time finals comes around. and when i go outside to check the bus driver i have to have a smoke alone i no longer have to sneak you a smoke  and its so lonely out there.  oh the things we did.  most of all i miss cuddling with you. i miss our late insominiac nights where i would try to help you sleep and if i happened to go to sleep before you  sometimes you would sneak into my room and lightly tap my shoulder and ask for warm milk and honey. i knew you could make your own but i guess it worked better if mamm made it. i wonder who is there to comfort you. of course you probably have no trouble sleeping if angels  need to sleep at all.  and that thing with ruger yesterday. i know you were messing with him  there just isnt any other explanation. and the things i get to see sometimes. i know steve thinks im crazy but then something happens when he is around too and he jsut gives me this look. some days i feel really peaceful other days like the last few are torturous.   and thanks for keeping jackie safe and sound and protecting her.  she doesnt remember writing those notes about you but they are there in black and white and its freaking out her crazy mother which is funny. itsj ust like something you would do. always a prankster always finding a way to  prank someone or to get a good laugh. i love you so much and i miss you more than words can say.  if wishes were free like dreams are, i would be the richest and happiest woman in the world . i would have you back in my arms son. i know its selfish of me but that is all i want or need.

we've missed your birthday. we've miss you on mothers day, fathers day, 4th of july, the stair climb and now Thanks giving. not much to celebrate today nor give thanks for. I'm sorry to be so negative but with out you life just Isn't. last year you had so much fun. you hadnt been able to eat much at thanskgiving because of wrestling. you got home from college and found a half gallon of egg nog and drank the whole thing. cause you could. and you kept eating all night. i woke up to make soup the next day and all that was left of the turkey was bones. like those dinasaur bones in museums, it was picked clean.  this year we didnt have Bryan or the MARINES. they went to theirparents homes so they can be here for Christmas and new years.Bryan had to stay on base. no matter i would give up anything and everything just to have you back.  i know you want me to run and i know you want me to do well at it. and im trying as hard as i can but keep in mind that im old and my bones are old. and if you want to run with me, run beside me dont push me from  behind. i like that you have my back but i would rather run beside you. ill be running a race in your memory tomorrow. Scotty is doing well in your honor. he is wearing your wrestling shoes and your head gear. he truly beleives that you are helping him be the best he can be and that you will guide him toward a state championship. i know youll help because you always wanted everyone to do the things you did and you were always teaching everyone everything you knew. he reminds me so much of you. you left the legacy of  total commitment to the entire school. he and briana were here all day. and Andy Pandy has a mohawk again. he mom messed up her hair so she cut it off into a mohawk again and its purple, very purple. she had one last thanskgiving too but i think it was bright red.  she came to eat mashed potatoes cause she jsut cant resist my potatoes. ruger was in dog heaven. you know how he thinks andy is his girlfirend. you always called him a cock blocker. well now she is all his. Bryan found hsi biological parents and he is very hurt and angry. please help him with that. i hate for him to keep hurting so much. hopefully this is the last of that fiasco and he can go on with his life. i cant even imagine why a mom would give  up her kids because i didnt ever want to give you up and you left anyway.  but i told him if she hadnt then we wouldnt have  been able to bring him into our family. he was really depressed cause he only got to eat a hot pocket for thanksgiving but im gonna make him a big roast beef when he comes home in december. and Jesse is coming from Japan. that will be hard for all of us, without you here. i keep looking at your pictures over and over and  sometimes i think youre actually gonna come back. then i get bummed cause i know you wont but  you always said dreams  and wishes are free. i also keep hearing in my head what you used to say about running . the pain is all in your head. dont let it get to  you, work through it and after a while you wont even know its there. this only works for running though. you never told me that. it doesnt work for heart pain. but those words are so pristine, yet haunting when im running and it really works. i look ahead and say im really getting tired or my hip is really hurting so im gonna stop over there but when i get there i hear your voice and go just a little bit father and before i know it, ive gone another mile. you used to tell me you got a runners high after you stopped running but i get it in the middle  of running sometimes and i know its you pushing me to go a little farther.  mediocre was never good enough for you and im learning that now at my age. imagine that! im so proud of  myslef and ruger dog is getting big old muscles. he weighs 92 pounds now. i have to go back to work soon. please help  with that too. i know you can. give me confidence to start over again.   after today i cant imagine how hard christmas will be but i guess well cross that bridge when we get there. i love you so much son. why did you have to go?

I'd call you whenever i missed you and almost every night that i worked late, i knew you'd still be up and would talk to me. And i'd make up reasons to keep talking to you forever long...i think after awhile you noticed that i was making reasons up too but you never shut me up...i just miss you an awful lot. i hate going to phoenix because i want to call you. i hate eating sandwhiches from dominos because you have to eat the other half and estimate my mouth to sandwhich ratio. i hate being in my car and you not in the backseat. i especially hate when i go to the mall and you arent there to destroy the mall with me and grab some legs.

i miss when you would want to run somewhere and you'd grab my hand and pull me along. i really miss more than anything, how i would call you and cry about something dumb and you didn't once say anything was my fault or that i was stupid, you just kept saying "dont worry about it,V, dont worry". you made me feel like i belonged somewhere. now im not too sure where i belong...im really trying to figure it out...i guess i dont know where to even look.

i miss your wake up texts and goodnight texts.

i miss...you calling me, randomly showing up to meet me, sharing sandwhiches, your advice, the way your clothes smelled, your hugs, your laugh, the goofy things you would say, the silly pictures we'd draw together, how whenever you wanted to take a picture of me youd say "were making memories", how youd walk behind me, the drunk phone calls(which were only natural), talking to you until the sun came up, you trying to pick up my car, showing people our buttcracks, how you couldnt sit next to me..but on top of me, youd always steal my hair ties, you calling me pretty when we both knew i looked heinous, singing songs in my car...i just miss everything about you. i cant wait until i get to see you again, its just not fair that i'll probably be nasty old and you'll still be the cute boy that threw pizza dough at my window.

 

 

you promised,

youd always be here for me when no one was...i still trust your promise.

 

i love and miss you more than words could ever describe.

It was winter I think of my freshman year. For some reason we were all hanging out at the school one evening. Jesse Zach and such... First the boys tried to get a huge pipe onto the roof of the school to throw it off trying to get it stuck in the ground. That didn't work so we continued on our way. Behind the Cafeteria there was always a huge stack of those milk crates. You decided you wanted to stack them up around yourself. So we helped, not knowing what was going to happen next, Then we ran down to the bottom of that little hill and waited. A few seconds later you jumped out throwing crates all down the hill and, in your leather handcuff thong ran down at us full speed yelling "for Sparta" one of your favorite quotes at the time. Now every time i walk behind the cafeteria going to class or where ever I can't help but laugh to myself. You always made me laugh. I wish we hadn't had the  problems we did. I wish we could have still talked and been friends. I miss hearing you laugh and joke so much. I miss the cut outs you made during class. I miss the fun we had sprinkled in with all our problems. I miss you, Jeremy. Love always, Ciara

Toeay I am alone, no Charlie. I hate being alone but i like it at the same time. when i am alone all i do is think of you all day. more than usual because throughout every day i think of you. today itsa constant thought. as you saw, i ran the bisbee 1000 stari climb for you. the media sure misses you, so much that they are still trying to do stories about you and for you. i found your picture on a tucson paper. they didnt know you were gone, picked your picture randomly. are you doing this so we wont forget. i will never forget you son. i think you bjust dont want the world to  forget. ype your oldlady got 4th in her age group. i still dont understand how you coulod possibly run at full force. that stair climb is brutal. but i was listening to hyour i pod and every time i wanted to quit  i could hear you encouraging me and telling me that the pain is just in my head. and it was. you were so right.  i tired so hard for you. but maybe not hard enough cause i didnt bring home a trophy like you always did. actually scotty gave me his trophy for you.  there were so many people running in your honor i was happy but sad. you should have been there. you should be here with me right now.  i cant even begin to think how sad i am. and how much i miss you. i feel so alone. you were my better half.  it feels like all of me went with you like i am an empty shell without you. you were my buddy, my friend, my son, the love of my life and i dont understand why it is that you are gone. i function day to day by rote. i think my body is like a robot and it just does what it needs to do  to get through the day. it breathes because its been breathing for 49 yrs it just exists but it  isnt alive anymore. i feel dead if this is what dead feels like. only i cant be dead with you. and i dont know that i ever will because i have questioned everything  i have ever knon aboutlife and eath since you died. if shit happens for a reason i want to know what that reason is and did i have anything to do with it. could i have done anything different? you know i would have. it is just so sensless, your death. there are millions of people that deserve to die. child abusers, murderers, etc. yet they live and you are gone. i feel so old and tired most of the time. i hate feeling like this. i knowi have others to love and take care of but they will never be as important as you and im not saying that just cause you are gone. i have always told everyone that you were  first in my life, in my world. even your brother  knew. and maybe its not right but its the truth. were you taken away from me because i loved you so much. because i told the truth about how i felt about you? i  would never change that if it was but i would try to find a way to let you know how important you bwere in my life without  eoing it the way i did. no matter where you are i know you regret dying to some point. you are going to miss halloween this year. you loved halloween. although there may be something better than halloween where ever you are i know you miss being here for this. and words cant begin to say how i miss your excited face when you carved your pumpkin and the pride  in your face when you showed it off. you always had the best jack o lantern.  so talented.  and your gonna miss going downtown looking at all  the adult costumes. i nwo you will. and your gonna miss figuring out how youre gonna dress up.  and im gonna miss helping you.  can can anyone or anything expect me to be happy again son? they bgo on with their lives but mmine is  stuck on the last time i saw you and i hate  the way i saw you. in my job as a nurse i smelled the smell of death so many times but i never in my wildest dreams expect to smell it  coming from the one i loved the most. and that sticks in my mind. your lifeless body. your cold skin and that awful smell of death. people say that dead people look peaceful. you didnt look peacful to me at all. you looked troubled.  and if its me that wont let you rest in peace then i am glad because i cant rest in peace with you gone. and im angry at you for dying and i want you to feel some of the pain im going through.  but most of all i want to wake up from this terrible nightmare. remember when i used to hae those " house " dreams. i never told anyone about htem. i mentioned a little to steve when i woke up punching and screaming. but i told you every minute detail and i rfemember your face looked so worried  about me, about my dreams but you  were speechless and just hugged me, didnt say anything jsut hugged me and even though the nightmare had been over for hours it still affected me and i was stil scared but when you bhugged me i felt protected. i keep praying that the same thing will happen. that ill wake up band youll be there and youll just hug me. not say anything just make the fear go away. and well go on living  our lives as we always did.  why cant this   come true.  i have nothing else to offer. i have given everything i have.  i have  unwillliningly given  the most ive ever had to whoever or what ever took you.  i dont understand why me.  what i could have done or what i have to do to undo what has happened. what about second chances. i want a second chance. i want to be happy again. i would give up every material thing i would even give my soul up just to have you by my side. to have you back so that you can  do the things you were supposed to do. im making myself physically sick so im gonna go now but  just know that nim so angry and im  sad beyone belief and that i miss  you more than i can put down on here. more than i will ever be able to verbalize or write about.

Today it has been 6 months since i last saw you, since I last held you, since I last kissed you. Half a year has gone by but it feels like an eternity. Not a moment goes by that you arent in my thoughts. I think "what would he be doing right now" or "how would he do this" Or "he loved that" . When i see someone running I think that could be you, I often think i hear your voice or see your image... briefly all too briefly and i dont know if its reall you or if its wishful thinking.  I miss so many things about you. your silly practical jokes and your sarcastic comments .. about everything.  i miss seeing that determined look on your face when you were trying to learn a new song on your guitar then the huge smile after you called me to your room so i could hear you play it. inow understand your music much better. i wish i had taken more time to really listen to it instead of giving you crap about it. but oh boy, those were some good discussions werent the. and now i find out you did like dinasaur rock ( my music). hah! I miss seeing  you concentrate as you were doing a tattoo. and then proudly  displaying it and asking that i toake a picture of it for  your album.  I miss laying next to you. trying to wake you up or just feeling you breathe. you know i did that a lot. ever since you were born i always went  and checked to make sure you wee breathing. i adored that peaceful look on our face when you slept. sometimes i couldnt help myslef, i had to go touch your hair and you loved that.  today we laugh at all things you did. like the words you made up. when you askedChris to make you white salad and no ne kinew what white salad was. or  when you said your prayers at night. you always asked God to take care of everyone and everything, even the ant you stepped on that day.   or when you told steve that he needed to go sleep in the big boy bed cause he was big  and you were a wittle boy.   I hurt so much and have such envy for moms who still have kids.  i remember  you carrying the Puma flags and bossing everyone around durig football games. and now again i have started going to Pop Warner games  and i cant bear to watch  because it reminds me of "little Bull". you were so somall but so tough. remember when yo knocked coach on his ass or when the high school team was watching you play and they all oohed and aahed when they saw  how awesome you were. Kira wanted me to go to the Geckos cross country meet but i couldnt go. i miss having that scratchy throat feeling after one of you meets becasue i yelled so loud. i miss  enfolding your sweaty body in my arms after you ran.  you were exhausted and beathing hard but the  first thing you said was  in a breathless tgone. "lets  go check the bus driver" ( our code word for lets go have a smoke). you were the only person that can win the stair climb  every year then walk away from the finish line to go have a cigarrette. i got an IKEA cattalog in the mail and it brought back memories of when we were shopping for your college room. how happy you were and how happy i was for you. im glad we found the green towels you wanted. And  how happy you were when we were putting your furniture together. even though you were in tempe and i was here  and i knew i would miss you so much i was so happy and proud of you.  i worried about you being there but  maybe i should have worried more when ou came home. i was so  happy that you were here again . i so looked forward to your texts and phone calls  and now i still wait for them but they dont come  i miss you so much . i want to beleive that you are in heaven or at least in a good place and that you are messing with me still. you used to sneak up behind me with a lizard or tarantula and scare the hell out of me. and i want to think that all the things that i am experiencing now are your little pranks.  i want to let you go but i cant. i never will.  Dad says i need to let you rest in peace but you were never one to be idle so i dont  want to.  if you wanted to rest you would get out of my head but i know you will never do that. sometimes i want to die to be with you but i dont know what lies beyond. and if there is nothing there then i dont want  that. and then there is steve. i an only hope that we go together because neither of us can handle another loss.  I am so angry sometimes that others that dont deserve to be alive are still running around wasting ood air and that you , who was my life, arent here. you, who had so much going for you so many plans and dreams, are gone. it makes me angry to be without you and to have this pain. i dont know how i survive day by day and i hate going to sleep cause it will only bring another tommorrow and i hate to wake up cause i will hurt all day because youre not here. i hae that people are going on with their lives and that tey dont think of  youevery second of the day, like i do. i hate that they are happy that they are  celebrating milestones and that they can hug and kiss each other any time  they want to and that i can onl wish for those things with you. i hae the look of pity i get from people. i dont want want pity i want you back. i want you never to have left and to wake up from this horrible  nightmare. i would give anything to have that. you know and i always told everyone that i loved you more than anyone or anything else in thisworld. even steve has always known that he was second to you.  and he still is even though i love him so much. i will never love again like i love you. that too has been taken away. i hate the  hurt in  the people that loved you eyes. Bryan and Zach and Martin were here and they are coming for Christmas again this year but it wont be the same. i dontg want to celebrate anything anymore. it will never be  the same without you. you were the leader of everything you had all  the ideas and the plans and  you made those dull and quiet moments in our lies go away. always up to something , always planning something and if we didnt feel like doing what you planned, you talked us into it anyway.  " pleeease Momma". i keep hearing that over and over in myhead. and then you would  totally  wrap yourself around me in a huge hug and myheart would melt and i would say "no" jsut so that you would do it one more time and then i would say "okay but..." then you would hug me one more time and give me a hundrd kisses and the "but" would go away.  God ou had me wrapped around your little finger., you had  all of us wrapped your entire life. sometimes i would make up my mind about something and  before i knew it, you had talked me out of it and i didnt even realize it.  i cant imagine another day without you and i dont want to but i have no say on that and that hurts so much and it makes me so angry. ive been told that you will foreer live n m heart but i dont have a heart anymore, youtook it with you. youve taken over my mind it is full of you too.  i dont want to live off you memoires any more son. i want you back and its frustrating me so much that i cant fix that . that i cant bring you back like i did once . why oh why cant i bring  ou back. i brought you into this world and i should be able to bring you back. i should have bee able to keep  you here with me and it  makes me feel so helpless that i failed at my job. i shouldhave protected you  and coddled you so that no one would ever hurt you and i didnt do that.  i tired but you were so headstrong you fought me every inch of the way but i tried. i know that i couldnt be with ou 24-7 but i wanted to . and even if i could you wouldnt have  let me.  so all i can do for the rest of my life is miss you and wish. and hope that you are happy and that things are just like you want them in heaven and that someone is taking care of you just like i would have down here.  that you hae no cares or worries and that you are having fun. that you are always  warm and that your tummy is always ful. that you have a lot of love like i love you down here and if its possible that you have more love than that.  that you have all the thigns that make you happy  and that you want for nothing.  that your eternity is spent happy and that you know how much i loved you, how much i will always love you and that it is enough to  fulfill you and make you whole again. that you know that even though i am miserable without you, i only want our happiness. if only i could know for sure that ou are ok i may be able to to  releive some of this pain, bitterness and feeling of helplessness that i feel right now. I dont look forward to any more tomorrows without you. i dont look forward to anything anymore and im so afraid to love . i feel so cheated fo so many things and i feel cheated for you  because we  both still had so much to do.

Sometimes I wonder. It really feels like its all a dream except I cant wake up. Im walking around, living gthis life in a daze. my head feels like its full of cotton, i cant think straight i forget stuff i lose things and iknow im not old enough to .... you  know. Maybe it really hasnt hit me yet because i think i hear you and see you all the time. the night Bryan and the boys left i was texting with them while they were driving. i saw someone or something peek in the window and when i went outside to look there was noone and nothing  there. were you watching out for me? you knowhow sad we were to see the boys go. for once we had laughter in our house again. especially when we all tried to  put the hookah together. it took us a long time but we got it to work. i think we did. and we left you a shot of Jackand its slowly going down. i feel like no one wangts to talk about you anymore but you are in my words to everyone, all the time. i feel that i makes them feel uncomfortable when i talk about you but whats the difference, i always bragged about you. eveything reminds me of you or somethingh you did. Baby charlie sees you all the time and talks to you. his heart is pure and he will never forget you. as little as he is. i am now remembering things ithough i had forgotten. mahybe they were tucked away in the back of my head. silly things and serious things. and im learning other thingsfrom your friends that  make me laugh make me proud. i know that you were alwasy watching out for the little man that you wanted to teach everyone things you were good at or had mastered.  but i love hearing them. like greg. how you made friends with him when he first  moved here and then you taught him how to skate board. and the things you told beto about running. i feel so alone but then i hear yet another Jeremy story and it makes my heart both hurt and swell up with pride. Bryan is back. that was one of the hardest things ive had to do since you died. jesse doesnt want to go come back yet and thats ok. they are both  going to afghanistan next. i know  you now have special powers. you  know, the ones hyou thought you had when you were a power ranger, so please take care of those two. bring them  home safe.  the 21st you  will have been gone 6 months. thats six months i havent had a hug from you six months that i havent talked to you and it seems like an eternity. i dont know how im going to handle that. another negative milestone. its just not fair. you should be having positive milestones. we should.  why did this have to happen.  there are so many bad people in this world and you were chosen over them. it makes me mad.

Its been 4 months of hell. I truly hope that it has been 4 months of paradise for you.  every day  is worse without you. yesterday was one of the worst. we had to get your truck back in order. the battery was dead so Jack jumped it for me so i could move it and i just couldnt get in it and drive it. i started crying and jack quietly moved it for me.  little things like that  that they do for me mean the world to me.  Pat is like she is on my shoulder every day. i ask myuslef what whould pat so then i hear her voice telling me " jsut get yourself together" .  i couldnt help myslef i cried all throught the transaction at MVD when i went to get it put back in my name.  the lady there was so , vehicle all  your own. and now it sits there empty like my heart. its like its waiting for you to come start him up and go to a party, full of friends and your loud music.   people tell my i should sell it and people have asked to buy it. but i jsut cant see anyone driving it around. it would break my heart that you werent in it. i remember when i met you on the street or even on the highway you always  stuck your hand out the window, you know , the bikers wave. or you would flag me down and tell me where you were  going or ask for money  or tellme what you wanted to eat when you got home.  if not you would immediatley call me and although we were only a few yards apart  wed talk on the phone.  and you used to make fun of me cause i drove like an old lady. i am and old lady older  and tireder each day it seems.  life jsut  doesnt seem worth it without you here. i waited so long to have you and you didnt stay around as long as i wanted you to as long as  you should have.  when iw as looking for the title in your room i found some poems. you were so strong, physically and mentally. you wrote about it a lot . why oh why couldnt you have  used that strength to stay alive. why did you give up. i never gave up on you. you know i always had your back.  you were such a fighter  why didnt you fight harder to stay alive.  i watched some of your wrestling videos with scotty. he wants to see everything because i think he is going to try to  be a state champ for you this year.  brian is on his way back  form his stupid marine tour and we are picking him up on the 8th of next month. it si going to be so hard without you here to greet him. what am i going to do without you here to welcome him home. you loved it when your marines came hom and they loved having you and being with you. what are they going to do now. they have both sigend up to go to afghanistan. i certainly hope they didnt do it to put themsleves in danger because you are gone now.  i love you so much and miss you more and more each day

Boats And Birds :
If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

Dude

 I know what you are trying to do but I'm not ready to join you jsut yet. i miss you so much but Steve needs me here. he has been through so much already, i need to stay with him a bit longer. so Im gonna fight thsi leukemia with everything i've got. you know that it will be a good  fight and sure as hell, the devil dont want me either so im gonna stay  here for a while.  i know you already met Gloria, betos mom in heaven.  she died today. let her rest a bit before you start her running.  thats what beto and i  think youre gonna do.  show her around and let her take care of you. i know whe will because shes a beaner mom too. i hear she makes awesome enchiladas too so  you can teach her to make white salad for you.  taking about white salad, i showed stepahnie and sean how to make it and they love it.  i wish i could make some for you. you sure loved it. happy fourth of july.  keep you clothes on but have fun. i sure wish you were here and i would even do a jaeger bomb with you . maybe i do one for you cause im not gonna be able to drink much after all that is happening to my body lately.  please help me get through this huge bump in the road. love you

God gave me the middle finger again yesterday son. Maybe its a blessing though. I was diagnosed with leukemia yesterday. So maybe ill see you sooner than i had planned. What is this going to do to steve? He has been through so much . can he handle another loss?  im gonna fight this with all ive got son. I have to for him. then you and I can be together again forever.

I am furious. someone deleted you myspace page. it was one of the last things i had to hold on to. i have some ideas  who did it. why cant they just let me grieve . all i want is to be left alone. i remember what  you used to say about your father. that  you couldnt beleive i had sex with him. you would tell me, "thats alright mom, he had a wet dream and you rolled in it and thats how i was made." i used to try not to laugh but we would end up  rolling on the floor laughing. i thinkhe did it and cant beleive that he is still trying to make my life hell. there is nothing anymore that  connects us in any way. you dad is and has always been steve and he deserves everything he got. why.  why does hehave to be so cold hearted why cant he just leave me alone. him and the  stepmonster.  maybe that is why i heard what iheard last night. were you trying to let me know? i fell asleep on the couch with my head on my arm which was on the arm of the couch. i was watching an old boring movie , a black and white, trying to get to sleep. i distincly heard " mamaaa". and it was not your voice but i somehow knew it was you. i was like a painful cry. i tried to wake up i was in that state where you are aware  but just can open  your eyes. then  my elbow lifted up and jerked my head and i almost fell off the couch. i know it wasnt  me doing that on  purpose because it is the arm where ihad my surgery. i thought, oh thisis going to hurt because it was pushed up higher than i can normally lift it. but it didnt hurt at all. it was the strangest thing. i was wide awake after that. the credits were rolling on the movie so i know it wasnt the movie that  was palying the "Mamaaa sound". are you in pain. what is going on. it tears me that i cant be there to take care of you, to comfort you. am i going crazy?   fathers day was a disaster. tata wanted to take everyone to texas roadhouse for lunch. when we go there they seated us on the same tables we sat at for your 18th birthday. dad and i cried and everyone was laughing and having a good time. i cant freaking beleive it.  i guess they forgot about you already. i couldnt eat ihad that lump in my throat again. but it was not all bad. not everyone has forgotten you.  your running club had the annual fathers day race at vista park.  i couldnt run it because i had been in the hospital on thursday and friday for another kidney thing. but i helped out and it wasnt as sad as i thought it was going to be. i actually felt good being at the race. yea it reminded me of you a lot and you werent there and i couldnt catch you at the finish line. but so many people remembered you and they came and told me stories about you kicking their ass in running. yea mr taichi was there and he is still as full ofit as the first time we saw him. when it was over i felt full like  my heart was full like ihad accomplished  something good that day.  the tshirts are so cool you would have loved them. they are bright yellow and have a memorial for you on the back.  beto got third and prido  got first overall. iknow you would have cleaned up that race.  i was looking at the times and i know you would have been at least 3 minutes  ahead of everyone. actually i know you were there. i felt you there. i miss you so much my love. i am trying to handle things as they come trying to let the little thing go and concentrate on the  big things. your father is making  it hard but i wont let him win.  i should even  call him your father because he never was one. ok  that man that had a wet dream.  i loe you so much and i worry about you so much.  not knowing is killing me. 

Tommorrow is another painful day. Fathers Day. Dad said he didnt want to celebrate fathers day just like i did. he said he hates these types of holidays now. but just as he wouldnt let me wallow in sorrow, i wont either. He got lots of stuff anyway already so if he doenst want to celebrate he has to give those things back.. and i know he wont. he got a welder which he has wanted for a long time and we are finally getting electricity out at the ranch. so maybe the well will be here soon and we dont have to go water every other day.  today i was looking for a sim card in your room. everytime i look through your stuff my heart breaks . it feels like someone punched me really hard in the stomach you know, how  the pain goes up into your throat and your stomach feels like someone is grabbing and twisitng it. feel like puking too. i found what i was looking for but i jsut sat on the floor and cried.  we went out last night and we heard a song actually a couple of songs and all of a sudden we were both crying... in public. like a couple of babies.  i think it was "if your reading this, im already gone . then we just had to go home.   when we were leaving i still checked my phone when i got in the truck , jsut like i always did, hoping to have gotten a message from you. to tell my something funny that happened or  asking me for something.  dad is devastated. his phone broke and he cant retreive the last text you sent  him. the one  that said " i love you dad". still trying to get all his numbers into the new phone.  if you were here  im sure you could have done it in no time but we have been working on it all day.  sometimes i  think i see you when  i walk into a room and sometimes i still go in your room right after i get up to make sure you got home ok, expecting to find you all cuddled up in your bed full of pillows. igo into your room and smell the pillows. they still smell of you. i cant get enough of that.  i started painting again.  that seems a little relaxing because i am busy and concentrating  so i dont have time to think too much about stuff.  i have a lot of ideas for paintings and i jsut dont have time to myslef to be able to put themon canvas.  if you were here you could give me  pointers because today i got stuck a bit and  had to put everything away for  a while  .  i  miss you so much.  i feel you  here in the house and sometimes when im driving but i would give anything to hold you once again.

Today I put Charlie down for a nap and went into your room to make him some swimming trunks. He woke up and came through the house looking for me. I called to him and told him I was in your room. he walked in and asked me " whatcha doin". then went and stood by your bed and pionted to your pillow and said " tio, tio".   Did you come visit me while I was in your room? Were you there the whole time? I know you loved you bed and you loved to sleep. Were you taking a nap while i was sewing? Why didnt you let me see you too?

you stole my red lighter yesterday. AGAIN.....

Thank you for the beautiful sunset this evening , son.   for some reason I felt compelled to look up at the sky when we were leaving the ranch. I get so sad everytime we have to leave and its going to get harder once you are there. I always settle down for a nap or read but tonight I just felt like I had to look. It was awesome. and even though it only lasted for a few minutes  it gave me a kind of  inner peace that Ihavent felt in a long time.  somehow I knew that it was you that made me look. that you wanted me to see the beauty you created for me and dad. the colors were so brilliant yet so soft. there were  flourescents that you so loved and on the other side it was   soft pinks purples and greys. and the clouds were moving but the huge hand that was above me never moved  until we drove away. we had to stop when i saw it.  and it never changed  while we were stopped even though we could see the clouds moving not until we started going again did everything jsut fade to grade in almost an instant, actually before we got to the  main road. but that hand shaped cloud above me. was that you   taking care of me? i hope so because it worked. i cant wait until we move out there so i can be with you always. i wont ever want to leave. ihated to leave tonight. we werent doing anything special just trimming some trees then i started watching an ant hill. it was  relaxing yet exhilirating to watch how industrious they are. and i wondered so many things like how do they know they are going the right way. I treated them to some of my sugar i cary in the glove box for when i go tits up. they deserved to have a treat after all that hard work. they had 5 trails going out of the ant hill. like interstates. and they were only using one to come home. hw do they know that?  so many unanswered questions yet it is the miracle of life. the miracle of life that i so yearn for. your life  that is.  life seems to go on  for  eveyone and everything but mine  is at a standstill. there isnt much that i look forward to anymore  i actually dread the coming day. sleep is a necessity but i cant  i went to be  at 5 am this morning  and was ready to get up at 7. everyone and everything has things to do.  all i have to do is miss you so much. and think about  you and things you did and said and liked. i was just listening to your i tunes. your top and your most listened and also  the one you named last chance. were you trying to leave  a mesage through your songs for us? i disect every little thing i hear or see or think about jsut trying to find answers to the why you are gone and to the  how i am going to continue living without you. life really sucks you know. i certainly hope that the afterlife is a little better than this life.  but i am also questioning if there is an after life. everything i had learned , everything i had faith in is no longer real or the truth for me anymore. i hold your urn and i hear the remains moving around in there and wonder if that is all there is to it. if that is all that is left of you. then other times when i get signs like todays sunset, i have to beleive that you are not stuck in that box that you  are out there. someone wrote  a comment  in the obituraty   in the online newspaper that they didnt really know you but they ahd a dream that you two were talking and that  this person  told you that they didnt really understand what had happened  and that they hoped you were in a better  place and that you answered "I am, I promise". that sounds so much like you. im left to wonder who else you may be sending messages to.  i want to know everything because that is all i have left.  i know that you are probalby trying to make me feel better too but i am so sad that i am fighting you and i jsut cant get through this. i wont. you were my life. i wanted 13 years to have you in my arms. iloved you even beofre you were a twinkle in my eye. i didnt know you but i knew i loved you so much.  youve taken my heart twice. once  the day you were born and the day you died you took it forever.  you were my special little boy. i sang you SLB song to you at the hospital. i know i was out of tune but i had a huge lump in my throat and my  entire body hurt tremendously. I knowyou hated but you loved for me to sing it to you even when you were a man. so here goes. to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star.

Stinker stinker I love you

You're my special little boy

even if you are stinky

i still love you very much

stinker stinker I love you

you're my special little boy.

 

 when  you were little you used to tell me " Mamma, sing  me the tinker song". and when i did you would grin form ear to ear because that was YOUR song.

Dad  must  think im going nuts, i know i would if he were doing and seeing the things i do. jsut like when you were born, you  showed me and taught me to see the little things. the things i took for granted for so many years. liek the stars and MR MOON. and santas house and when  rays were coming through the clouds you said that was God .  and all the  questions you asked. like why are  rocks rocks and why is the sky blue if we dont live by the ocean to reflect coloror when you said your prayers at night and would ask God to take care of silly things to me but they were really important to you.  you woudl say " Jesus loves me yes  he does I love Jesus please take care of me tonight " then you would ask him to take care of  that special rock and you would ask him not to let me throw away all the rocks you found  that day and of course you would ask god to take care of everyonein the family sometimes i would fall asleep beofr eyour prayer was done because you made them especially long when you didnt want to go to sleep yet then you would pull open my eyelids and say "Mamma wake up im still praying".  Then you grew up and i dont know if you prayed amymore. i know i didnt because i felt secure things were going great for us. we didnt have to go to the food bank for a food box anymore and you were healthy and growing and no longer sick all the time.  maybe if i had kept going to church and believing in God this wouldnt have happened. no Im mad at God. how can he be good and loving and cause all this pain in me. how could he take you away from me. no one not even God can possibly need you more than i do. Me and The Dude have been talking and I will never forgive him for taking you away. for cheating me out of so many things. Ive tried to do good  all my life, there were some bumps in the road and i got through them i thought those bumps were all i deserved in this life. i tried to help others as much as i could, i tried to do   things by the rules and this is what i get. there are murderers and child abusers  out there and they  dont lose the most precious thing they have.  why me. i will never meet your children. chevanelle and apollo. they would have been so spoiled. more than you were. i might have loved them jsut a little bit more than i love you.  i regeret buying yo condoms and  talking to you about  not getting anyone pregnant until you were set in life. if you hadnt listened to me i may have had a part of you that  would have made  things easier.  probably not though because i would feel bad for them not having their daddy.  i love you so much son and i will never get over this loss or this pain. i jsut know. it gets worse every day. i will never forgive whoever took you away from me, even if i die a bitter old woman.

today is graduation. i am going  but having a lot of mixed emotions. Last year you were so happy. finished with one phase of you life and preparing for the next one.  You were so looking forward to  tonight. Bryan, Zach and Martin came down from Pendleton. taking about Camp Pendleton, Mary Lou rand the marathon there in your name. she said it messed up your times but at least you had a marathon to your name. you were so looking forward to partying with the boys.  you put glow sticks in your earring  holes. always goofy.  i jsut couldnt beleive that you had grown up so fast. i was so aprehensive too because you would be leaving.  you wouldnt come home for lunch anymore. now i dont even have the satisfaction of even seeing you, ever.  i miss you so much. i wish i coudl got back one year and be going through graduation again with you. if only i  could turn back time. you had so much stuff to do here yet. why did you have to go? its just not right. i miss you so much.